Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
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If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Check your privilege
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.