[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
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I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
never deleting this app.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans