[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
You Might Also Like
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Yup.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.