[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
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What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”