[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
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An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Whoa 😂
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.