*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
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Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?