Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
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Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I was bored.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*