Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

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People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.


A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…


Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.


There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours


This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.


[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]


me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand


date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind


Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”


Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.