*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
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Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Has science gone too far?
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.