[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
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Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”