*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
You Might Also Like
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*