[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
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#Caturday
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.