Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
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*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.