[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
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Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
*skinny dips into black hole
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun