[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
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ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.