Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
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Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
“you recording!?”
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
yeah 😭
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Swedish for common sense.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
My first son he is wonderful
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.