Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
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“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Good morning.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start