Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
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Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food