watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
You Might Also Like
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.