Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
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The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.