Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
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Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I am never leaving this website
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
How can I say no to this ?
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds