[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
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That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored