I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
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My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.