[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

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I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.


My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.


[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.


If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.


Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.


I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.


I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.


12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.


The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.