[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
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“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon