@DirtMcTurd

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

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@ddsmidt

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

@Hormonella

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

@fro_vo

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

@ElenaChainHelp1

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

@elle91

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

@behindyourback

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

@ericsshadow

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

@Izianikapani

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

@ccanton2

Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.

@elonmusk

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.