Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
You Might Also Like
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️