(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack

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I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.


Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?


judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands


If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.


Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it


Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.


Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”


Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.


[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”


Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk