(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
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I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.