*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
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I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Me too, bag. Me too….
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian