Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
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Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.