Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.
One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.
The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”
Me when I hear gossip
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
