Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
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Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I can’t deal with men any longer
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”