*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
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Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.