Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
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I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?