[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
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How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.