[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
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date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
True.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.