@KyleDodsonFunny
@mxmclain My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
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@mxmclain 
@sicsimptyrannis people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
@ItalianBratikus My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
@yoyoha How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
@NoorShamma “By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
@ristolable A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
@stephenjmolloy Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
@glowingritual Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
@Bipartisanism “Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
@JamieDMJ Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
