Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
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Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Lunatics are gonna loon.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
sliding into dms like
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂