*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
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All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades