Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
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Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
asking santa clause for nudes
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”