[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
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[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
For the ones in the back.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk