Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
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It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
These are too funny not to post 😂
Oh we’ve met.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?