Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
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Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no