[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
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[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
We have a winner.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare