Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
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99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Google Pay be like:
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I’d rather fork than spoon.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
😂😂😂
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.