[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
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I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
My dream job is getting paid to dream