watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
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It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Reporter: *ports again*
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!