*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
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Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote