[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
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My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot