[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
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It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”