Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
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ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.