watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
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After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.