[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
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ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
A leaf blower, but for people.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?