watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
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Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
girls literally only want one thing..
philosophical skeletons be like
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is